Unfit for Human Conversation

Unfit for Human Conversation

A team of EU research scientists conducted an extensive survey across all 27 member states over a period of five years (2012 – 20167) into Psychology and Communication. The summary of their research report and its findings listed the following behaviours as rendering an individual or individuals unfit for human conversation.

1. Ceaseless interruptions
2. Complaining about ceaseless interruptions.
3. Turning one’s back and moving some way off to take up another task whilst appearing to continue the now non-existent conversation.
4. Rendering conversation redundant by turning on radio and/or starting noisy kitchen device, eg blender.
5. Reluctantly turning round with a sigh to respond to an inaudible comment.
6. More sighing and eye-rolling at a request to turn the radio off in order to have an audible conversation.
7. Refusing to turn radio off and stalking out of kitchen to another room, still to all intents and purposes keeping this ‘conversation’ going.
8. Silence ist Verboten: when Significant Other (SO) has moved from chilly kitchen to warm living room and has found a programme on TV to his taste, (eg The Kominsky Method), UnCo joins him remarking on how it was she who had first recommended the show. The SO agrees and thanks her for the good advice. As opening credits conclude and main character begins very soulful and thoughtful monologue (critical to the opening scene of the opening episode) to his New York acting students requiring close, sustained attention, as UnCo knew having seen it before, she interrupts the intense scene  with inane remarks. When SO asks for silence so he can immerse himself in the scene in the show so highly recommended by UnCo, she harrumphs and throws a hissy fit with declarations of “So rude” and “So ungrateful” and “How dare you” and so on until SO gives up and switches TV off. At which point UnCo stalks off into the kitchen muttering, “Well, I’m still cooking your meal, without so much as a thank you.” Post-menopausal flouncing at its best. SO is left gazing at a blank screen, realising that whatever he tries to immerse himself in will be interrupted from the start in order to prove incontrovertibly his miserabilism, arrogance and intolerance. SO ponders the attractions of suicide.
9. Phone addiction, a disease which presents as a complete inability to ignore a ring-tone. Whatever activity or dialogue the addict is involved in is suspended indefinitely during the duration of the call which must be answered. The call is never an emergency, of course. Never. Only Emergency Services receive emergency calls.
10. The task suspended for the duration and now out of sight, out of mind to the addict can range from leaving a pot or pan of oil on a hot stove to boil or burn, with or without ingredients, to leaving a dependent (eg wheelchair bound SO) to fend for himself regardless of track history of minimal mobility, maximum incontinence and no means of paging for assistance.
11. Any hint of demur at this conduct will infuriate the addict who will invariably smash something down, the burning pan, the incontinence devices requested, anything but the phone, of course, with a deal of eye-bulging, face-twisting, self-righteous rage at SO’s ingratitude.
12. The SO quickly learns the essential lesson: say as little as possible. Safety lies that way and that way alone.