Space Pants

 Space Pants:  The Final Y-Frontier

There ain’t no place in space to take a poop except your pants.

So you change them after three days just like they do in France.

But then twice a week you’re stuck with pants full of poop – YUCK!

NASA thought of everything but getting rid of three days muck.

But Astronauts are chosen for courage, initiative, all the right stuff

So no surprise when Buzz and Neil said “Man, enough’s enough!

How can you drive a space-ship with dried poop all over your hands?”

‘Everyone back on Earth,’ Glenn said, “is bound to understand.”

So Armstrong took a vote and every astronaut agreed,

Desperate measures were needed in their excremental hour of need.

Buzz jemmied a port-hole open, just a chink you understand,

And they junked all the pairs of pooped up pants that came to hand.

Glenn eased the porthole closed and sealed it tight with super duct-tape

As the relieved crew sat back and watched their pooped up pants escape.

They’re up there still I guess, space keeps things pretty intact

So every passing probe and satellite can register the fact.

Down on the moon above, now, that’s a different matter.

The Sea of Tranquillity is just full of astronaut splatter.

There are red, white, and brown boxers filling every crater.

In some the pile of dirty y-fronts, I’m told, is even greater.

And that little old flag Neil planted all those years ago

Is covered in jockey pants when those cold moon winds blow.

Now any passing Martians in their flying saucers and UFOs

Have to navigate through sixty years of briefs and thongs and hose.

But help has now arrived, the scientists have come through.

They’ve invented a washing powder that works in space too.

So Tim Peake and all the spacemen will no longer be appalled:

They can spend their time and feel just fine washing clean their smalls.

Alas, there are no records of how the creatures we sent up there fared.

Of them there is no trace, not found, not seen, not heard.

RIP:

9 rodents

8 fish

7 chimps

6 monkeys

5 frogs

4 roundworms

3 water bears

2 spiders

1 dog – Renka, a stray from the streets of Moscow, perished in space in 1957

But if Renka had a solo flight as Russia would have us think,

Who picked up her doggy poop? This will cause a stink.

David Kelly                   In Honour of Scientists Everywhere                   30/11/20

The Markle Touch

The Markle Touch

Everything that Meghan Markle touches, it seems, turns into a PR stunt, however private, personal, intimate or sad. For someone who fled these shores a year ago for the privacy of Hollywood (taking her beleaguered fairy prince with her) she has missed no opportunity to share her life, her family, her politics and her career in Netflix networking with the world and his wife. Details of her ongoing court case against the Daily Mail reveal that the very intimate and personal letter she wrote to her father Thomas Markle had been drafted by a Royal aide, one Jason Knauf.

Now, in late November, she writes in the New York Times about a miscarriage she underwent in July, almost five months before committing her anguish to print. She writes:

 “I knew, as I clutched my firstborn child, that I was losing my second,”

She went on to describe how she watched “my husband’s heart break as he tried to hold the shattered pieces of mine”.

Meghan wrote that “loss and pain have plagued every one of us in 2020”.

The 39-year-old shared her experience to urge people to “commit to asking others, ‘are you OK?'” over the Thanksgiving holiday in the US. Meghan Markle’s CV nowhere hints at a gift for language or literary expression so it is scarcely surprising she enlisted the aid of a palace press secretary to draft her letter to her estranged father. Given this, the highly emotive and poignant language she uses to describe her miscarriage is most impressive, worthy even of Charles Dickens in its pathos and appeal to the heart-strings. Similarly, the trope of the Prince’s ‘heart break as he tried to hold the shattered pieces of mine’ is remarkably poetic, if you like that sort of thing.

Finally, the last assumption of the pain of the world in Covid-19 2020 and the injunction to everyone over the festive period (Thanksgiving, not Christmas) reminds one inescapably of her interview with ITV’s Tom Bradbury on her ill-fated tour of Africa with Prince Harry when she confessed that no-one at the palace had ever asked her if she was OK. (Quiet sigh.) Bradby, a friend of the pair, looked suitably appalled. In the immortal words of the late, great John Junor: Pass the sick bucket, Dorothy. So, hands up who wrote Meghan’s piece for the New York Times?

Jason, was it you? Come on, somebody knows. Is he or she already writing Meghan’s memoirs volume I?

A Dictatorship of the Virtuous

A Dictatorship of the Virtuous

It seems that Oxford University students are poised to vote on banning meat from any college refectories or cafeterias to strengthen the university’s commitment to combating climate change. A sign of the times, you might say. Unfortunately these are the times of zealotry and tyranny.

Hitherto (and for centuries) it has been the case that one can choose whether to enjoy vegetarian or carnivore meals. No more. If the Oxford students vote to ban meat from their colleges (as they are likely to and just as likely the university supinely adopts their position) one more individual freedom passes away.

The interesting point is that the inherent contradiction in a dictatorship of the virtuous passes them by. To be woke is proof against a sense of irony, an awareness of a disjunction between the tyranny of virtue and the fundamental good of freedom, the foundation of all civilisations worthy of the name.

Black Lives Matter is another telling movement. It is no longer enough to live a modest, obscure but tolerant and open-minded life. One must ‘take the knee’ and publicly endorse BLM notwithstanding the fact that the movement is intrinsically fascist, racist, anti-semitic and undemocratic. It would also destroy capitalism if it could and enable black people to enslave whites.

The dictatorship of the virtuous has no truck with such fine distinctions. We’re all martyrs now (unless we are the privileged oppressors as Critical Race Theory tells us.)

The virtue-signalling and hypocrisy of the conspicuously woke has been trying enough in recent years. The prospect of a dictatorship of the virtuous is chilling. All such movements are ultimately fascist but utterly innocent of the fact. The desire to ‘better’ the human race is one of the most terrible urges to take hold of a nation. Hitler was a vegetarian. He had very clear ideas how to improve the human stock but, alas, no sense of humour.

The Unspeakable Mr Clarke

The Unspeakable Greg Clarke: Newspeak meets Doublespeak

Greg Clarke has been a notoriously useless head of the English FA for some time now because he’s incompetent, like many appointments to the head of sports organisations and quangos uncritically funded by government. Few will regret his resignation today. Goodbye and good riddance will be the toast across the English clubs.

What is interesting is why this idiot was finally forced to quit. At a Parliamentary committee inquiry on the 10^th of November Mr Clarke answered the questions put to him by MPs candidly.

This is what he said that caused the woke furore that blew him out of the water:

1. The government should do more to tackle racist trolls who are abusing coloured footballers.
2. There are more Afro-Caribbean players in football than South Asians because of different career interests. Just look at the IT staffing of the FA.
3. What I would want to do is know that anybody who runs out on the pitch and says on Monday ‘I’m gay and I’m proud of it and I’m happy and it’s a life choice.’
4. The women’s game is different. I talked to a goal-keeping coach for the women’s game and she said girls taking up football at a young age just don’t like having the ball kicked at them.

1. I am no expert but it strikes me that to say ‘coloured footballers’ is perfectly reasonable. Alas, like Benedict Cumberbatch, he fell foul of Critical Race Theory. ‘Footballers of colour’ is acceptable. ‘Coloured footballers’ is not.
2. I’m no expert but I have an inkling that South Asia leads the world in ICT expertise and very profitably too. So, if I were a talented young Asian sportsperson who was also highly intelligent and ICT literate would I trust my fortunes to the wayward roulette wheel of team selection, good luck, no injuries and first class players around me to make me shine or would I put my ICT skills to distinctive, personal and highly rewarding use a world away from the uncertain ground of a football pitch?
3. If I were a gay footballer would I find it more liberating to say I found gay sexuality a more appealing choice? That my sexual identity was not the diktat of DNA, something to resent or bear unhappily?

• I have had one experience playing football against a female team. It was a school lunchtime match, staff v sixth form girls to raise money for Children in Need. I remember to this day Philippa, a tall, lithe, sporty, blonde young woman in the Lower Sixth with an already impressive bosom coming in to me to block my pass. I walloped the ball as hard as I could to clear her shoulder and reach Mr Slater out on the wing. Unfortunately the ball cannoned into her chest at close range. Philippa was stunned. She stopped, bent double, held her breast and was clearly in some distress. The referee blew her whistle. The game was stopped to check her fitness to continue. I was mortified. I asked to be subbed. It was too awful. Philippa continued the match. I did not.

So, Greg Clarke was beaten not by his record of incompetence and poor judgement but because he said four things that enraged the Wokerati. God help us all.

Trumping Holy Joe

Trumping Holy Joe

Donald Trump may leave the election battlefield but his supporters will not. If the Democrats (aka liberal paternalistic tax and spend soft dictatorship administrations) think they can rewind the video of the last four years and erase the parts they didn’t like (all of it?) they are deluding themselves.

Trump didn’t win by accident in 2016. All his supporters knew who and what they were voting for. Like it or not, over 70 million ‘deplorables’ voted for Trump this time around. Their claims of vote tampering and illegality may or not be true. What is indisputable is that pharmaceutical giant Pfizer held back their announcement about a successful vaccine for Covid-19 until two days after Biden was confirmed the President Elect. Why? Why hold back the most sought after breakthrough news in modern history for a week? Why?

One doesn’t have to be paranoid to speculate that if Pfizer had trumpeted their breakthrough on Monday, 1st November, the day before the election, Trump might have gained his second term. Who knows? Who indeed.

Trump’s base are facing four years of a feeble ‘Holy Joe’ Biden and his firebrand veep Kamala Harris, the torch carrier for left wing policies on the economy, law, policing, and the legacies of Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren. She is the wokest of the woke. She will hope to succeed Holy Joe’s one term presidency and lead America into the light of the Liberal, BLM loving, white hating, working class deploring, Washington zeitgeist. Good luck with that, Kamala. More than 70 million voters may have different ideas.

The New Aztecs

                    The New Aztecs

Islam is a medieval insanity at war with civilisation. It must be driven out of every realm in Christendom.

Even so, Boris Johnson poses a far greater threat to civilisation. His world view is even more barbaric than the cruel atrocities perpetuated by Islam. Medieval would be a compliment to Johnson. His rule harks back to the savage superstitions of the Aztecs.

Ahuitzotl , Chief of the Aztecs in 1487, presided over the offering of sacrifices to the deities, as a way of thanking or paying for the continuation of the cycle of life.

To the Aztecs, death was instrumental in the perpetuation of creation, and gods and humans alike had the responsibility of sacrificing themselves in order to allow life to continue. As described in the myth of creation above, humans were understood to be responsible for the sun’s continued revival, as well as for paying the earth for its continued fertility. Blood sacrifice in various forms was conducted.

It is known that some rituals included acts of cannibalism, with the captor and his family consuming part of the flesh of their sacrificed captives, but it is not known how widespread this practice was.

The priesthood were essential to maintaining the rule of the Chief by conducting extensive sacrifices in temples across the land to propitiate the gods. The beating, bleeding hearts of victims in their thousands were torn out of the butchered bodies and held aloft to the vast crowds to show how vigorously the priests and the Aztec Chief were following the gods.

Boris Johnson has declared time and time again that he is following the gods in sacrificing countless lives to secure the continuation of ancient life. He uses the expression ‘science’ but in every sense he means the gods.#

His ‘scientists’ have become a new priesthood, demanding more and more sacrifices of the young and healthy and denouncing any who dare to challenge their reading of ‘the gods’. The signatories to the Great Barrington Declaration, principally Professors Carl Heneghan, Sunetra Gupta and Karol Sikora, have been smeared and treated as heretics by the priesthood. They control the temple, they alone advise the Chief. Even in the face of belated scrutiny of their misreadings of the slaughtered sacrifices, they proclaim even more ferociously the ‘truth’ of their mystic readings.

The Chief Johnson ignores all other sources of divination, even ignoring the stern warnings of one of the Great Elders, Lord Sumption, about the dire consequences of believing false gods and leading the tribe to extinction.

His priests have convinced Chief Boris that even if months and successive waves of sacrifices of lives, liberty, logic, evidence and argument have failed, the answer must be more sacrifices. And more. And more. There Is No Alternative, the priesthood say. And Boris agrees.

Sic transit libertas et civis mundi.